Performed by adam sandler and kevin|
Transcribed by big brother.
Dr. stewart: hi, [iím] dr. stewart.
Gary phelps: hi, dr. stewart. nice to meet you -- Iím gary phelps.
Dr. stewart: my pleasure. gary, have you ever been hypnotized before?
Gary phelps: no, I havenít. Iím actually quite nervous, but I just, uh, I --
Dr. stewart: all right, and you were referred to me by anyone...?
Gary phelps: to be honest with you, I saw your name in the yellow pages, and it said youíre good at this stuff, so I just, I gotta give it a shot, just kick this whole cigarette thing...
Dr. stewart: so smoking is your problem?
Gary phelps: yeah, I canít stop smoking and itís -- itís finally, like, affecting everything I do, I canít run, I canít play basketball and all that stuff like that, so i, I gotta give it up.
Dr. stewart: how long have you smoked, gary?
Gary phelps: uh, I started when I was eleven years old, and I just canít kick it, you know?
Dr. stewart: yeah, right. [small, barely noticeable fart] all right, gary, why donít you just have a seat here and sit down and just relax -- what I do is hypnosis.
Gary phelps: right.
Dr. stewart: basically I just want you to sit back and relax -- let yourself sit back and relax and sink into the chair, and , um, just feel comfortable and trust me.
Gary phelps: [noticing fart sound] uh...
Dr. stewart: thatís it.
Gary phelps: o-kay....
Dr. stewart: thatís it.
Gary phelps: that was...o-kay...
Dr. stewart: all right? okay. gary, I want you to close your eyes, and I just want you to again relax and try to concentrate on nothing. okay? thatís it. now Iím gonna count backwards from five
Gary phelps: right.
Dr. stewart: -- and I just want you to relax, and youíre going to fall into a deep state of mind -- of subconsciousness -- youíre very comfortable, Iíll be counting back from five, I just want y
Relax, and just think of nothing.
[three farts in succession]
Gary phelps: are you gonna keep doing that, or...?
Dr. stewart: hmm? just concentrate now. thatís it. close your eyes. keep your eyes closed. okay. now. weíre very comfortable. five [small fart], weíre thinking of nothing except being comfortabl
Nothingís bothering us. okay. when I say the word relax, listen to me, youíre sinking, youíre sinking, [medium fart]
Gary phelps: oh my god...that was, uh....are you gonna keep doing that?
Dr. stewart: please just try to relax; that wasnít me. okay. youíre very stressed -- youíre very stressed. okay, four, weíre relaxing, weíre relaxing, youíre very comfortable, youíre very, very
Ed. okay. four, three...[fart]
Gary phelps: oh my dear god, sir...uh, I canít...
Dr. stewart: that was the couch. I know it sounded like -- itís -- the vinyl -- itís a new couch -- please, just try and concentrate. okay. and weíre very sleepy, weíre relaxed, thinking nothing
Ers us, nothing bothers us -- [several farts]
Gary phelps: uh, um, all right, could you open a window, maybe? Iím just having a tough time concentrating --
Dr. stewart: hmm? here we go -- there, there, weíre relaxing, weíre relaxing [fart and cough together] three, two, two --
Gary phelps: I was just going to ask you if you could maybe stop doing that. I canít concentrate when youíre doing that.
Dr. stewart: this is what I do. itís a counting-down thing. weíre relaxing now. just relax -- let it go, donít focus on anything else, just concentrate on what weíre doing here. three, two, rela
Lax, thatís it, just relax [fart], weíre relaxing now --
Gary phelps: okay -- youíre gonna -- that one was -- itís getting a little irritating --
Dr. stewart: hang on just a second here. let me just step out a second here.
Gary phelps: thatíd be good.
Dr. stewart: all right, and weíre relaxing, as I leave, weíre relaxing, still relaxing,
[fart in the distance]
Gary phelps: jesus...oh my god.
Dr. stewart: weíre relaxing.
Gary phelps: [trying hard not to laugh]
Dr. stewart: okay, Iím back, weíre relaxing, and weíre counting down, weíre to two, and all weíre thinking about is healthy, fresh air. freshness. breathing in. breathing in deep, letting out. [
Gary phelps: sir, Iíd appreciate if you could stop íletting it outí. but okay, okay, fine, thank you.
Dr. stewart: thatís it, youíre all right, everythingís good. all right, you feel very comfortable, youíre sinking into the chair, weíre relaxing, one [long fart], and weíre coming down to zero a
Gary phelps: oh my god, uh...yes, all right, it was nothing...
Dr. stewart: no, no, that time that was you.
Gary phelps: that wasnít me!
Dr. stewart: weíre not here to pick sides, weíre not here to pick sides, that was you, and maybe we could deal with this in another session, but right now weíre dealing with the smoking, and, um
ís not worry about anything else thatís going down --
Gary phelps: ok, Iíve just gotta kick this habit.
Dr. stewart: down to zero, relaxing, weíre going to feel very fresh [fart], weíre going to feel very healthy [fart], and letís take a nice, deep breath --
Gary phelps: I canít breathe, sir, uh, Iím sorry, I just -- [squirty fart]
Gary phelps: oh my God -- what did you eat? it smells like baby food --
Dr. stewart: all right, weíre relaxing -- that one probably squirted out a little into the pants, but weíll just continue with thte floating [fart] -- yeah, that was definitely a squirt -- but h
E go, one, zero, we are under. are you relaxed?
Gary phelps: yeah, Iím under, I guess.
Dr. stewart: here we go, relaxing, relaxing. youíre under a deep trance, you will not smoke anymore, you will just feel healthy from now on, and youíll be breathing in nothing but fresh air, and
Will not smell anything in this room, it wasnít me, it wasnít me farting [fart] -- that was not me --
Gary phelps: [hysterically laughing under his breath] youíre gonna have to stop doing that, sir. itís just very hard for me to listen to you when youíre --
Dr. stewart: youíre floating now, youíre high above, youíre looking down, nothing but fresh pastures and fields, and here we go [long fart]
Gary phelps: oh man...
Dr. stewart: -- that was you,
Gary phelps: that was not me, sir! Iím watching you!
Dr. stewart: that was you, and when you wake up, you will not remember any of this, except that it was you, or my receptionist, donít worry, she gets it all the time. all right -- you smell noth
Iím perfectly clean. I have no bad gas; it was all from outside or from -- from -- you yourself. and letís not forget the smoking thing thatís why youíre here. no smoking. repeat after me: I am
Gary phelps: what?
Dr. stewart: all right, weíre moving along, and we;íre relaxed. [fart] all right, and now weíre going to count back up, up one to five,
Gary phelps: ok, you know, I think this is fine, I donít want to smoke...
Dr. stewart: gary, settle down, relax, and when I get to five, you will snap out of this, and you wonít remember this, especially the smell, the smell was from you. all right? and here we go. ze
Eíre coming out of it, youíre waking up slowly, your eyes are opening, one, youíre feeling good, and when you wake up, youíll feel wide awake and perfect youíll feel whole and [fart] all-righty,
Pped that one out there and I apologize. I ripped a good one there. that was a nice out..
Gary phelps: that was not nice.
Dr. stewart: here we go, and, weíre coming right [fart]
Gary phelps: what was that?
Dr. stewart: that was three.
Gary phelps: it didnít sound like three.
Dr. stewart: three, Iím counting, and four, itís no smell in here, and you donít smoke, you donít want a cigarette, no, and here we go [fart] five, and -- [snap] do you want a cigarette?
Gary phelps: no I donít.
Dr. stewart: then my job is done.
Gary phelps: [bursts into laughter]
Dr. stewart: [fart] please leave the door open as you leave. [fart]
Gary phelps: ok, thank you, doctor.
[typing resumes and another fart is heard]
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